People happy = my happiness???

its been 2 months without gettin any mojor breakdowns and unsatisfying and unhappy moments...at least thats for a change...well too bad it didnt lasted as long as i wanted it to be...i just came back from bf's place..sat down infront of my comp...thinking nothing...suddenly it hit me hard that i sorta forgotten what happiness feels like..i mean happy as in the things i do to make myself happy rather than thngs i did to please any other people around me except for myself...and the worse part..i cant even remember when was the last time i felt that i was trully happy and glad that i'm on this piece of the earth...damn...went for bbq last nite at fren's house..turned out that i found out something that i wish i didnt knew...but came to think of it...seriously y do i take it so seriously??i mean the damages i did to her was 0 effect to her..although i know rumaging thru her stuff is not the rite thing to do in the 1st place.and i dunno why on earth i spilled it out to her...as i remembered i kinda glanced that she kept the C thing in her drawer..and during the Moment..we needed it so i went rumaging..and of coz i found out that she was really mad at what i did...not to mention that all the damages she did to my laptop...damages which wont fade and just stays there until u change a new laptop...so thats a fair case...rite now i seriously duno give a shit to what they think anymore..why should i just keep making them happy??making my bf happy is becoz i'm want him to be happy and becoz i love him alot...he's my priority compared to that bunch of unworthy frens...which one of them actually told me this.."never trust anyone but urself...not even ur closest fren"...now kinda think bout it...it made so much sense now compared to last time...why should i give a damn to their happiness??why must i please them??it took me only 2 days to see their true colors...3 of 'em,..one which i already dont give a damn to...another one i just found out the true colors of her when i was having class with her...her words were like sharp swords stabbing thru my all over...and the other one which i considered the closest one..actually gets mad coz i needed her help..well..so much for being so nice frens to me ya people..well...at least i'm far better than her..because she was this cheap lady that hoped that sex can make that man return to her...in ur dreams biatch...she's got money,looks,boobs, and everything a girl wanted...so??now come to think of it...i'm far better than her..coz her reputation is not that good..although lots of guy wanna get hook up with her...but its the bad intentions that counts...and my results is better than her...seriously...frens are just people for u to hang out with..not for keeps forever..we always put up this faker mask and act nice to people including ur closest fren...

thousands and millions things to do...

blogging from bi's place..the comp is so freaking lag..god...this weekend we just spend most of the time stayng at home..no money to spend..so best just stay at home rite...screwed up things like usual again last nite..god whats wrong we me..it seems that i'm very good at screwin things up..everything's been going on for so well and then here i goes again..spoil everything single effort that i've put...sometimes i feel neglected ..like the other day...she couldnt finish up her assignment and everyone's helping her do it...i forgotten why i ddnt help out..guessed it as that i thought she ought to do it all herself coz she's the one that kept delaying it...i dunno whats wrong with me coz i just gets very sensitive over small lil tiny things..i dunno what i wnt..so many things awaits me..and i seriously just dont have enough time to do every single thing that lays infront of me...my sleeping time all went wrong..i'm having sleeping difficulties...i couldnt play my piano and violin well...there's nothing i can do well except for sleeping...whats wrong with me lately..i'm desperately in the need for a break...i feel left out, i think i suck at every single thing that i lay my hands on...can the god pls send me an angel to guide me thru this tough path that i'm going thru now??i seriously dunno how much longer i could hold on to u know??i'm breaking down fast...

Bitch of the Century...

today i'm going to be a bad bad person..coz i seriously cant stand that bitch...and her bunch of pathetic frens,and also her self-acclaimed very high standard singapore english speaking guy and loser boyfren...she's one bloody bitch.well that how she wants people to call her..so its not my fault for calling her that way..anyways she's so fucking bitchy...blame my fren and did all her bitchy stuff to my fren which she claimed that she stole her stupid idiotic loser bf..he speaks so slowly and look like he's a down-syndrome guy...and i just couldnt stand one day when she post a blog on saying bad things bout my fren indirectly...i knew i had to stand out and say something...but in the end i just kinda backed off coz no point arguing with them bitches an bastards of the century..she's so fat and i dunno what else to say bout her...she thinks highly of herself...good gracious..if she the only one that thinks stuff like how she wanted stuff to be and just assuming things to go her way also fine with me..but her bunch of pathetic frens is totally like her man!!!i aint arguing with a bitch anymore coz they are just so bloody bitchy and it makes me look so pathetic talking to them...memalukan myself only...and i was called a whore for nothing...called a whore for telling her off bout the truth...these kinda people just never learn dont they??they somehow thinks that they are more superior compare to normal people like me...but actually the fact is...she nothing but a piece of useless and big chunk of meat with lots of fats that doesnt serve any purpose to the society but actually dirty them up...and she actually thinks that what she said is some kinda rule that all those people of hers must follow..i dunno la...she's such a spoiled kid..bet her mama never taught her the rite way to treat people and all..shame on her man!!!!well lastly i wanna wish that bitch and the loser bf of her's "happy" couple life....lolz...

Everything's perfect until...

i've managed to changed myself into a better person..i didnt hurt myself and also people around me...he came to find me and stayed over for two days...it was really fun...he brought me a surprise..he bought me spongebob-squarepants soft toy coz i've changed for a better person...of coz i was happy...coz finally i've managed to make a difference...we were so happy...we wanted to go places we never been before,do something that we never done before..just wanna spend some quality time together and loving each other more...it was so perfect until..money is the problem..no we didnt fight becoz of it.he's been kinda financially tight lately...i've trying to stop my bad habit of splurging on stuff that i dont really need..so far i didnt really spend much except for things that i really need..it was very heart-breaking to hear how he's managing his lifestyle with so little allowance,stretching every single dollar that he can to spare extra money to spend on me...it was just heart wrenching...sometimes i just hope that i was born to a slightly rich family...a family which can afford to spend on anything without thinking much...maybe i just tend to compare myself with other people around me...if i still keeps on comparing i'll die soon..so from now on i shouldnt compare myself with other people anymore..seriously i'm more than happy with all that i've got now..but as people says..human are greedy beings...they will never stop wanting a better lifestyle or better living...they just never get satisfied with what they've got...its time to change...

Everything just fell apart..

everythung just fell apart..as i've expected..now we're holding on to an empty shell which used to contain all of our love,trust, faith and all...in just less than one day...everything just shattered like that...i dunno is that beoz he already made up his mind to not be himself anymore or what...i'm scared and alone in this path that i'm going to take..but i'm not going to quit just like that..coz i wanna change to become a better person for myself, for him and also for my frens.today is just the perfect day for me to think bout what should i do and all and also to catch up with my sleep...i ended up crying for things that i've done and how i've hurt him all this while...then i went back to my sleep..hoping that everything will be normal again..but when i woke up again...nothing has changed..i kept crying and crying...let the music heal my soul..i'm nothing now but a broken and empty soul...he said he didnt want me to change coz he's already scared of all the changes...he just want us to forget bout everything that had happened and just get on with everything like normal...but sorry dear..thats something i cant do..coz i've promise myself not to run away from things that need to be solve this time..i dont wanna hurt you anymore coz i know i cant loose u...i dont like the current self...i just want to make ur happy...its time for me to sacrifice something to make u happy instead of the other way round...i know u get fed up at times of my attitude towards u..but yet u managed to be so patient with me..that i thank you alot..and also my frens..i know i can be really hard to handle at times...but you guys just keep compromis with me..i wont learn that way u know..its time for me to grow up and deal with what i had to since long time ago...this is a long path but i'm going to walk it with all the courage and bravery that i've found in me...just gie me some time..i promise i will make a difference for everyone of you...promise...

Faithful-ness

sudden pang of sadness..thought of the things i read last nite...it was kinda awkward having my fren beside me when i was reading his blog..all that happened lately nobody knew of it til last nite...i went to see his frenster..and i found out lots of pretty gals account in his account..i asked him before..he said he didnt know all of them and they added him..but i went into his account..i saw that he added lots of pretty gals there...now i dunno whether i should trust him or not..guys are very clever beings that will certainly cheat on theri gf...i just feel hurt at this moment..i dunno how much longer we could last...he used to be so selfless last time..but now that i've read his blog..its good to know that he has learn to not to be so selfless anymore..but it seems to me that he care less towards me and stuff bout me..sometimes i seriously have no clue on what he's thinking coz he just wont tell me anything..even if he tell me..i just dunno whether izit true or not..losses faith losses all...if i start to not trust him anymore..everything will change...i'm the kind of person that cant hide my feelings towards other people..i'll spill out everything thats inside of me...i;m having all sorts of emotions now..all awkward emotions...in a same time..i feel guilty for the way i treated him last time, i feel hurt and betrayed by what he spill out in his blog, i'm confused on whether should i just pretend that i dunno nothing bout it..just go on with the flow..should i just ignore it???maybe i should...i'm trully hurt now...

True Colors

it wouldnt take long for u to see the true colors of the other person..and most of the time it actually hurts to know what he's really thinking in his mind...its kinda scary when u found out that how long and how much he has been lying to you bout everything..assuming that everything's fine..everything's okay..but deep inside its the opposite way round...went to paid his blog a visit..he told me that we wont post anything anymore and already attempted to delete the account..but i didnt know..when i went to see..i saw a new post from him..and it was like posted last week..some what he said in there was the latest i could get from him...reading it makes me feel even more guilty..i know i havent been treating him rite and all..i was seriously having some mental unstability few weeks back and was super duper emo during that time..i would ended thinking negetive stuff and all..i know he couldnt spend much time with me due to his work and schu work load..i understand that..but some times when i see my frens having their bf over,going or something..i kinda like get really emo...i kinda like jealous i would get seriously upset with everything...i wonder what was wrong with me..as if i havent had enough at that point..everything just got from bad to worse..really got fucked up...and i'm a person who sucked most on handling problems..i would rather choose to avoid it than to solve it...but things really got really really bad..til i read his blog..although everything has back to normal already..we went out for a date few days back..everything seemed normal to me..but something i cant help wondering..is he putting up a show to show me that everything;s fine between us??he hasnt been telling me much bout how he felt at most of the time...and i sucked at handling emotions problems...it really hurts me to read what he wrote on his feeling..it hurts more than he telling me directly...its like there's this invisible medium thats in between us...giving us a big gap...i used to thought that he love me alot..and i love him alot too...i want him to chase his dreams..i want the best of everything for him..but somehow he just dont understand...he's already big enough to think whats important and whats not..but yet he still makes me worry for him some of the time..and i know he wont listen til i'm screaming and scolding him..but in order to make him listen i have had to be cruel...
well i'm used to be seen as a bad person..never a good one no matter how hard i tried..most of the time people just tend to judge u by what they choose to see..and that seriously hurt..especially when the one u love the most sees u that way...